September's Best & Worst

 September’s Best & Worst

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and today we’re going to reveal the very best and worst of everything we screened here during the month of September.

We went a couple of months without ANY bombs, and thankfully that streak will end today in a big way since we will have another Cinema Wellman first and have more bombs than good films to talk about.

Four bombs as opposed to only two films to recommend for September, a month which saw us screening 44 films here at Cinema Wellman.

That’s certainly an oddity considering the amount of films we watched, but these things are bound to happen, and we certainly can’t explain them.

We begin the bombs with a sports movie from the early 30s that one movie website had listed as a “comedy,” and if that wasn’t a mistake, they surely don’t understand the meaning of the word.

College Coach (1933)

AP/76 m/IMDb: 5.9/directed by William A. Wellman

IMDb: “Coach Gore, a ruthless and cynical big-time football coach neglects his wife in his unrelenting drive to make Calvert College a football power.”

This film featured a college coach paying players who fake exams and skip classes and transfer from team to team whenever they want.

This was made in 1933!

In one big game, the unscrupulous coach sends in a kind of “goon squad” to take out an opposing star player, which they do, and the kid ends up dying!

They pretty much murdered him on the field!

And then the coach’s poor wife who the unscrupulous coach neglects throughout the movie gets a call from the school whose team was just beaten by her husband’s team and offers the following deal; $40, 000 a year, a radio show, and the players don’t even have to go to classes.

And he takes it.

Hardy Har Har. 

In some ways this is as prescient as Network.

Next up is a movie with a special spot in my heart and in my blood stream since I’m a two-time sufferer and “Lyme Disease Lifer.”

Ticks (1993)

R/85 m/IMDb: 5.5/directed by Tony Randel

IMDb: “A group of troubled teenagers are led by social workers on a California wilderness retreat, not knowing that the woods have become infested by mutated, blood-sucking ticks.”

Made and released internationally as Ticks, then tested in the U.S. under the title Infested, and then changed back to Ticks when released on VHS.

It really doesn’t matter what you want to call this, it’s still terrible.

The screen reads, “Based on an ‘idea’ by…” 

Isn’t everything ever based on an idea by somebody?

Do we need to mention that?

And the ticks are the bad guys in this along with marijuana farmers. I know ticks, and I know marijuana, and I still can’t excuse any of this. 

The cast includes 90s stalwarts Alfonso “Carlton” Ribeiro, Seth Green, Peter Scolari, Ron Howard’s brother Clint, Ron Howard’s father Rance, and Monkey Mickey Dolenz’s daughter Ami. 

Ticks feast on nepo blood.

Next up is a movie my sister Vanessa will be interested to hear about since it is Twister adjacent!

The Twisters (2024)

NR/86 m/IMDb: 2.6/directed by Michael Su

IMDb: “Dozens of deadly tornadoes converge in the Midwest merging into a mega twister set to obliterate everything for hundreds of miles.”

In 2024, Twisters was released.

It was a reboot, or whatever you want to call it of 1996’s Twister (my sister’s favorite movie!) and the reboot starred Glen Powell and Daisy Edgar-Jones.

I saw it, and I enjoyed it.

That 2024 Twisters is NOT this 2024 THE Twisters!

Is that like “THE Ohio State?!”

Hopefully you followed that, but actually it doesn’t matter because THE Twisters is the one you want to avoid.

Tiffany is in this, and I’m not sure why.

I’m not saying she was terrible, I just wasn’t sure she was an actress, so I went for a look.

34 acting credits, 18 of which were her music videos, and then there’s actually some interesting stuff.

She voiced Judy Jetson in Jetsons: The Movie, did an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” as “Catholic School Girl,” one episode of “The Young and the Restless” as “Christmas Caroler,” and then…

Necrosis, Mega Piranha, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, Ted 2, and The Twisters.

I never saw it, but I’d bet money that I’d hate Ted 2 more than any of those other Tiffany movies. 

One more bomb, and it was a true head scratcher.

Invasion Planet Earth (2019)

UR/98 m/IMDb: 3.0/directed by Simon Cox

IMDb: “After the death of his young daughter, Thomas Dunn is a man who has lost his faith. On the day he finds out his wife is pregnant again, aliens invade Earth.”

I read that it took 17 years for this film to make from the script being finished to the film’s release, and I’m really not sure what that says about this entire production; labor of love, or why on Earth did it take that long for this?

Special effects seem to have been stolen from a filmstrip I saw in 7th grade. 

There are zombies, and then there are no zombies, and then people are being sucked up into spaceships, and a guy was almost castrated by garden shears?

I mean, what the shit?!

People are being chased by a gigantic spaceship in the desert and a guy throws a rock at the gigantic spaceship, hits it, and it careens into a cliff where it explodes.

So, throw that gun once it’s out of bullets!

You never know!

Is this time travel?

Is this aliens?

Is this zombies?

Is this incomprehensible?

I was almost as baffled by this movie as I was by the “meatloaf” movie.

My final notes while screening this were, “Here they come. Brace yourself.” 

A direct quote from a video I took at the end of this film, “I’m sure I’ll do the same goddamn thing, but, in all these sci-fi movies where the aliens are just vaporizing people, the amount of people just standing there, staring at it and walking backwards slowly until they themselves get vaporized, well, that’s just on you, isn’t it.? It’ll all be amazingly weird when it happens, and it’s gonna suck.”

I have to admit that I loved the end of this when our protagonist says, “Don’t be afraid, it’s gonna be alright,” before all sorts of extinction level bombs explode incinerating absolutely everything. 

That was fun.

Now for the two films we’d actually suggest you see.

Obsession (2025)

R/109 m/IMDb: 7.8/directed by Curry Barker

IMDb: “After breaking the mysterious “One Wish Willow” to win his crush’s heart, a hopeless romantic finds himself getting exactly what he asked for but soon discovers that some desires come at a dark, sinister price.”

First of all, kudos to writer-director Curry Barker who shot this in 20 days for about $750,000 and then sold it to Focus Features (who won a bidding war involving A24 and Neon) for $15 million dollars. 

Well done.

At the heart, this is a modernized “Monkey’s Paw” tale in which a young man, Michael Johnston’s “Bear,” gets what he asked for, and more.

Much, much, more.

Inde Navarrette plays Bear’s crush, Nikki, and she is amazing in this film that will make you pretty uncomfortable even if you’ve never been in an obsessive relationship.

If you have been in an obsessive relationship, I’m thinking Obsession will make you extremely uncomfortable.

I was unfamiliar with Navarrette, and she blew me away in this role that required her to do quite a bit of work. 

I’m planning on watching it again and just concentrating on her performance.

She does things I’m thinking were quite difficult to pull off, and I’ll definitely be looking for her in future movies, AND when she hosts SNL on Halloween night!

Perfect slot for her.

I read that Navarrette doesn’t really like horror films at all, and when she watched Obsession at a screening, she had to watch part of it through the fingers that were covering her eyes.

I don’t want to give anything else away, so I’ll stop here.

If you’re a horror fan, I definitely think this is worth a watch since it scares you in unconventional ways.

And if you ever have the opportunity to make a wish on a “One Wish Willow,” just pass that opportunity by.

One Wish Willow = The Monkey’s Paw, and it’s rigged for you to lose even though you technically get what you asked for.

Our last film today marks the return of Friend of Cinema Wellman Wes Anderson! 

The Phoenician Scheme (2025)

PG-13/101 m/IMDb: 6.6/directed by Wes Anderson

IMDb: “Wealthy businessman Zsa-zsa Korda appoints his only daughter, a nun, as sole heir to his estate. As Korda embarks on a new enterprise, they soon become the target of scheming tycoons, foreign terrorists and determined assassins.”

Four Oscar Winners appear in this film along with six Oscar nominees, so business as usual on a Wes Anderson production.

While talking about disaster movies of the 70s on a recent episode, I spoke about the movie posters of those disaster movies and their proclivity when it came to featuring cast members on the poster.

I mentioned that you don’t see that outside of disaster movies, and the only director whose movies would possibly deserve such treatment would be Wes Anderson.

The poster for The Phoenician Scheme features a 4x3 box with the pictures of 12 cast members!

Benedict Cumberbatch, Scarlett Johansen, Willem Dafoe, Tom Hanks, F. Murray Abraham, Bill Murray, Jeffrey Wright, Brian Cranston, and Michael Cera are all a part of this, but the star of this production is Zsa-Zsa Korda, played to quirky perfection by Benicio Del Toro.

Korda is pretty much insane, and Del Toro’s deadpan delivery is hysterical as he survives several plane crashes and assassination attempts. 

I won’t tell you anything else since this is a Wes Anderson film and I wouldn’t actually know what to tell you even if I wanted to.

I don’t think The Phoenician Scheme is in Anderson’s Top 5, but if you’re a fan of his, you won’t be disappointed.

The color palette alone is worth another visit to Wes’ World.

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman for our first “Bomb Heavy” Best & Worst episode.

We hope you’re back with us next time when we pay homage to an entity that is at least somewhat responsible for my “obsession” with film; “The 4:30 Movie.”

More nostalgia coming to you from Cinema Wellman.

Until then, take care.

Lord Wellman's Original 6

 Lord Wellman’s Original 6

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host, David, and the 110th regular season in NHL history is right around the corner, so that means it’s time for another sports movie episode during this season-long celebration of sports movies here at Cinema Wellman.

We gave you a football movie episode in February for the Super Bowl, a basketball movie episode in March for March Madness, and our baseball movie episode is coming next month during the World Series, but today is all about hockey movies. 

I’ve been a hockey fan since I was a kid, and my dad even built us a skating rink in our backyard that we played on for at least a few winters which remains a treasured memory of mine.

I am extremely fortunate to have attended a fair amount of hockey games in my lifetime.

My 1st NHL game was in April of 1976. My dad took me to Madison Square Garden to see the Rangers play the Flyers.

Since then I’ve seen somewhere in the vicinity of 75 NHL  hockey games in 18 different arenas, 5 of which are now “retired.”

I’ve been to three outdoor NHL Winter Classics (Citizen’s Bank Park, Yankee Stadium, Citi Field), and the Rangers won all three which is why I’ll never attend another one of those things…to remain undefeated.

I’ve also been to a Stanley Cup Final game, Glen Anderson’s number retirement in Edmonton, and Mark Messier’s Hall of Fame induction in Toronto.

And this is where I need to mention (and thank) my friend John who is the reason why I was able to experience a LOT of those special events.

John was a Rangers season ticket holder for many years, and I happened to be living in New Jersey for some of those years (1 of only 3 good things about my time in NJ!) and I was John’s other seat for a ton of Rangers games.

John also attended Mark Messier’s leadership camp several times and became friends with a bunch of the Rangers I happened to worship as a lifelong Rangers fan.

Over the years,  I met more than 50 former NHL players while tagging along with “Johnny” as his hockey friends call him.

I was the only “civilian” in a circle of then current Edmonton Oilers at a bar in Edmonton, which was mind blowing.

These guys were so friendly and “absorbed” me into their group once they knew I was associated with Dave King, a.k.a. Kinger, who was friends with John.

From then on that night, I was “Dave from NYC.”

I remember drinking beers at a table for four in the back of a  Manhattan bar one night watching the World Series.

Just four guys having beers and watching baseball.

Me, John, Glen Anderson, and Mark Messier.

I still don’t think that really happened.

But I digress.

My hockey love wasn’t only for the NHL, and the fact that I chose to go to Boston University supports that.

I’m not sure how many NCAA hockey games I’ve attended over the years, but I do know that I’ve been in attendance at at least seven different colleges and universities, went to several Beanpot games, and I’ve been to THREE NCAA Frozen Fours, all won by teams from Boston.

Cousin Johnny and I also attended “The Big Chill at the Big House” which was an outdoor college game at the University of Michigan’s football stadium.

Michigan crushed Michigan State, and Cousin Johnny and I were two of the 114,000 people there to see it. 

I was also once a partial season ticket holder of the AHL’s Lowell Lock Monsters and went with the girls on many a weekend to see the Carolina Hurricanes farm team.

“Cam Ward says NO!”

So hockey is a big deal to me even though I never played an organized game of it in my life.

I just liked to hang around with people who did play a lot of organized games, many at the elite level. 

Our Lord Wellman’s Original 6 today will consist of two hockey comedies, two hockey dramas, and two hockey documentaries, so we may as well go in that order.

Funny stuff, dramatic stuff, real stuff.

Interesting to note that half of our “Original 6” films today (including both comedies) center around the violence that is many times associated with the sport.

Goon (2011)

R/92 m/IMDb: 6.8/directed by Michael Dowse

IMDb: “Labeled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of underperforming misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way.”

As you’ll discover later in this episode, the word “goon” is not very popular among hockey players.

We know why they’re on the team, we know what they’re there to do, but you certainly don’t need to disparage them with such a negative name.

But this broad comedy doesn’t care about that at all.

Seann William Scott, “Stifler” from the American Pie movies is the title character, and he is, well, a lot like Stifler.

I don’t have much use for Jay Baruchel, but I absolutely love Liev Schreiber who plays the veteran enforcer in the league Scott enters.

Baruchel is here, I guess, because he’s one of the writers?  

Not sure, but I ignored him enough to enjoy this movie.

The fact that this film, and our next comedy, are based on the thuggery and violence that purists dislike, but many bloodthirsty fans enjoy says a lot about how the sport is viewed by filmmakers.

Once we get to our documentaries, you’ll see that these enforcer/gladiator guys are a lot more complex than a thug chucking knuckles.

Next up is one of my favorite Paul Newman movies, and he’s way out of his usual character in this one. 

Slap Shot (1977)

R/123 m/IMDb: 7.2/directed by George Roy Hill

IMDb: “A failing ice hockey team finds success with outrageously violent hockey goonery.”

There would be no Goon without Slap Shot, so I guess Goon could be considered the younger generation’s Slap Shot. 

I’ve spoken about Slap Shot on more than one episode, and I still think it’s one of Paul Newman’s greatest performances.

Slap Shot celebrates hockey violence and explores its popularity in an extremely profane and 70s way.

I’ve seen this movie countless times, and I still crack up at Strother Martin playing the Charleston Chiefs owner.

If you think you don’t know Strother Martin, you may be familiar with one of his lines from Cool Hand Luke (where he played the warden in a prison camp in which Paul Newman was a prisoner!).

Martin uttered one of the most famous lines in film history, “What we have here, is a failure to communicate.”

Those are our comedies, and drama is next, although this drama had its fair share of comedic moments.

Mystery, Alaska (1999)

R/119 m/IMDb: 6.7/directed by Jay Roach

IMDb: “The residents of a small town get over-excited when their hockey team gets chosen to host a televised event.”

Mystery, Alaska has a little State and Main in it, and I love State and Main!

The love of the game is paramount in this film about guys who play some serious pond hockey whenever they can. 

They love the Saturday game, and one of the conflicts prompts a player to say, “It’s not fair to the Saturday game.”

Not fair to the game. I love that.

John told me that pond hockey guys WOULD have an advantage over seasoned players when playing on a pond, which I found interesting!

There are Sorel boots in this movie! Not a sponsor, but I have had ONE pair of snow boots since I was in high school, and they are Sorel boots!

And I live in New England, so they get used quite a bit. 

Why, on earth, was Little Richard in this?!? I need to know!

The pro team that comes to the pond to play is the team I support, the Rangers, and I liked the stick tap at the end by them as a show of respect to the locals.

Next up is another film I’ve talked about here more than once, but you just can’t have an episode about hockey movies without…

Miracle (2004)

PG/135 m/IMDb: 7.5/directed by Gavin O’Connor

IMDb: “The true story of Herb Brooks, the player-turned-coach who led the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team to victory over the seemingly invincible Soviet squad.”

We’ve discussed Miracle during a general sports movies episode a few seasons ago, and it was also part of the “Pick Six” episode I did with Dakota earlier this season, so not much to add other than this is a tremendous hockey movie with an excellent performance by friend of Cinema Wellman Kurt Russell.

I guess you could go back and rewatch those Wellman reruns for more about this film.

While based on a true story, Miracle is not a documentary.

If you like hockey, and you like documentaries, I’ve got some good news for you, there are a bunch of them!

We chose two for you today to round out Lord Wellman’s Original 6, and had to leave out favorites like Tough Guy: The Bob Probert Story, The Boys on the Bus, and The Battle of Comm Ave.

What we do have are two hockey documentaries I screened for the first time for this episode, and they are both amazing.

Red Army (2014)

PG/84 m/IMDb: 7.6/directed by Gabe Polsky

IMDb: “The story of the Soviet Union’s famed Red Army hockey team through the eyes of its players.”

I was wrong about the Soviet hockey teams I watched while growing up. 

I thought their system was all wrong and that it was unfair that they were professionals playing against amateurs. 

They seemed to me to be heartless automatons who blindly served their government master.

What I didn’t know then, I know now thanks to the film Red Army.

I learned that these Soviet players were treated like nothing more than cogs in the machine, and little regard was given to what they thought about that machine.

The Red Army players were kept from their families for months at a time, and they were also toyed with as far as when they would be released from their “service.”

This was an eye opener for me.

Red Army (made in 2014) includes interviews with many former players and coaches, and the stories are truly heartbreaking.

These experiences have taken a heavy toll on their lives.

They weren’t the bad guys, they were just hockey players who wanted to be with their families.

Our 6th, and final film for today’s hockey episode is one that stayed with me for a while.

Ice Guardians (2016)

NR/108 m/IMDb: 7.4/directed by Brett Harvey

IMDb: “On-ice enforcers struggle to rise through the professional ranks of the world’s most prestigious hockey league, only to be confronted with a newfound fight for the existence of the role itself.”

I have to be honest and admit that I used to own VHS tapes entirely made up of hockey fights.

My friends and I would get together and watch them and have a good old time.

But as I got older and learned more about the game and the men who earned their NHL living with their fists, the less and less I enjoyed the fighting.

Ice Guardians is a powerful film that takes a brutally honest look at the brutal side of this magnificent sport.

One of the first things you learn watching Ice Guardians is the term enforcer is preferred to goon - and none of these guys were “Mr. Quebec” goons.  Many of them had lengthy NHL careers.

The main job of the enforcer is to “enforce” the law and protect the star players.

When Wayne Gretzky got traded to the Los Angeles Kings, Marty McSorely was traded along with him.

 To protect him.

There’s no Gretz without Dave Semenko & McSorley. 

There’s no Steve Yzerman without Probie and Joey Kocur. 

Ice Guardians mentions that Sidney Crosby never really had his guy which may be a reason he’s had more concussions than enforcer Brian McGrattan who fought 20-25 times a season.

And fights don’t cause concussions, the game itself causes concussions. 

What may be surprising to some is that most of these guys are well spoken and sensitive.

I have met a handful of players featured in this documentary, and I was impressed by all of them upon meeting them.

Extremely friendly and chatty and personable.

None of them wanted to fight me!

I can’t say the same for when I saw Todd Bertuzzi in a bar at last call, but that’s another story. 

In this film I was particularly impressed by Todd Fedoruk who looks really good for a guy with 101 career fights and so much metal in his face. 

Listening to these players (who are part of a fraternity of sorts) was mesmerizing as they talked about their particular skill.

And they all spoke with respect about the late Bob Probert who they consider the best at what they did.

Most players hate the instigator rule and, to get around it, they had the “line brawls” or staged fights at the beginning of games or periods. That’s the shit I hated and that’s why I haven’t watched in two seasons. 

Former Philadelphia Flyer Dave “The Hammer” Schultz explains why the instigator rule doesn’t make any sense; “A guy runs Bob Clarke, so I’m going to go after him and fight him. How am I the instigator in that? He took a run at Bob, he instigated it. Wouldn’t have fought him if he didn’t do it.”

Sounds simple, right?!

I would have liked to hear more from the wives and less from “actor” Jay Baruchel.

Why was he in this? In his ratty white t-shirt with holes in it? Because he made a hockey movie? Not buying it. He came off as such a douchebag.

What the wives had to say about this topic was much more meaningful than what an actor had to say.

And the code of ethics amongst these ice guardians is noteworthy, impressive and admirable. 

These are all direct quotes from some of the more well-known ice guardians:

“No biting, no eye-gouging. Simple things like that.”

“If you know your opponent is injured or he can’t fight, out of respect, you just kind of let him be.”

“If that guy had just gotten called up, instead of comin’ up and whackin’ you or spearin’ you, he says, hey if I don’t do it tonight, I’m gonna get sent down, and you’re like I got you kid.”

AND THEN YOU FIGHT HIM!!!!

I mentioned Dave Shultz earlier, and the Hammer (veteran of 197 NHL fights) broke down the art of fighting in a very simplistic manner, and the way he said it cracked me up.

“If I have a hold of you, I don’t need to look to see where to throw my punches. I know where your head is. It’s right next to my other hand.”

I always hated Dave Shultz since he played for the Flyers, but he seems like a great guy.

ALL of these guys do, actually!

Hockey is a game played at very high speeds by some very large people.

As “Yoda” told me, “You gotta keep your head up.”

Words to live by.

Again a special thanks to my friend John for allowing me to tag along on so many hockey adventures I can’t even keep them straight.

And thank you to Mark Messier and Adam Graves for remembering my name the second and third times they met me which made me feel like an absolute superstar hall of famer.

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman as we took a quick look at “Lord Wellman’s Original Six” hockey films of note.

We hope you’re with us next time when we break down the Best & Worst of September, and don't worry…

The bombs are back!

Boy are they back.

Until then, take care.