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Monday, October 24, 2022

A Beginner's Guide to Cult Movies

                             Cult Movies: A Beginner’s Guide



If we’re going to talk about cult films, the first thing we need to do is define what a cult movie actually is. If you were to ask ten movie fans what the definition of a cult film is, you may get ten different answers. 

When in doubt, I go to the experts. First stop Danny Peary, author  of three of the cult movie books I own. 


Peary writes that cult movies are, “special films which for one reason or another have been taken to heart by segments of the movie audience, cherished, protected, and, most of all, enthusiastically championed. Cultists don’t merely enjoy their favorite films; they worship them, seek them out wherever they are playing, catch them in theaters even when they have just played on television, see them repeatedly, and are intent on persuading anyone who will listen that they should be appreciated regardless of what the reviewers thought.” 

Peary goes on to explain that the typical Hollywood product of today has little potential for becoming a cult favorite because it is perceived by everyone in basically the same way while cult films are “born in controversy, in arguments over quality, themes, talent, and other matters.” 

Another expert I looked to for a definition is Jennifer Eiss. She is the author of “500 Essential Cult Movies: The Ultimate Guide.” 


In the introduction to her book, Eiss writes, “Calling a movie “cult” can often be considered an insult, but not all cult films are of low quality, or unloved.” She adds, “On the other hand, some of them are just fun to watch over and over because they’re mind-bendingly terrible.” Eiss did land on this definition; “A cult film is one that inspires an almost unhealthy level of devotion in its fans.” Eiss is not here to judge anything or anyone. The aim of her book was to “introduce well-loved and perhaps little-known gems to a wider audience for appreciation.” 

That also happens to be the purpose of this blog and the accompanying podcast/YouTube episode. 


Cult movies are not always low budget, independent films. As a matter of fact, movies such as  All About Eve, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, The Maltese Falcon, Sunset Blvd., and Jaws are considered by some to be “cult films.” Go figure. 

Today we’ll look at a total of 20 films. Five of which aren’t my cup of tea, but should be seen if you really want to explore the world of cult films. The other 15 are movies for which I am pretty much a card-carrying cultist. 

I watched a three-part series on Peacock titled, Time Warp: The Greatest Cult Films of All-Time. It featured a total of 46 cult movies. I used their list to compile my list. If you’re interested in any of the films I’m about to cover, watch the mini-series and see what the experts have to say. The mini-series was very informative and entertaining, and I highly recommend it. Especially if you’re new to the world of cult movies. 



So, if you’re ready….let’s do the time warp! We’ll begin with those five cult films that I’m NOT a fan of, but are pillars in the cult film community. Therefore, they could not be left out.  We will begin with what many consider to be the cult film. 



The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

7.4 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime and Hulu


“A newly-engaged couple have a breakdown in an isolated area and must seek shelter at the bizarre residence of Dr. Frank-n-Furter.”


I think all you need to know about this movie being the Queen of all cult movies is that a theater in Portland, OR has played it nightly for 43 years. During the COVID shutdown, they continued playing it. To an empty theater. For a full year.  That’s love. That’s devotion. That’s a cult film. 

The thing about this movie is you just don’t watch it. For it to work, to have its full effect, you need to experience it. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is all about audience participation. Fans show up in costume, armed with props, ready to yell, scream, and sing. It’s not just a movie, it’s a whole thing.

I’m pretty sure the reason why this isn’t on the other part of this list is that I never saw it with a crowd in a theater. When you watch it at home without the army of fans that make this special, it loses just about everything. 

If you’re interested in seeing this, seek it out! Don’t watch it at home unless you’re going to make an event out of it. With a bunch of friends. But, I’m sure it’s playing somewhere near you. Just do some homework before you go so you show up with the right props. There’s actually a website that has a prop list and how to properly use them. Fantastic! We love you, Interwebs! ๐Ÿ‘„



Eraserhead (1977)

7.3 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, HBO MAX, The Criterion Channel, and kanopy


“Henry Spencer tries to survive his industrial environment, his angry girlfriend, and the unbearable screams of his newly born mutant child.”


I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t get this. Didn’t get it at all. This is some dark, bizarre content here. Extremely bleak, disturbing, surreal, and to be honest, yucky. 

I remember hearing how great this was, how “important” it was, and when I saw it, I kind of hated it. I didn’t get it and I felt stupid for not getting it.  David Lynch’s films are always an acquired taste. I do like his work, but not this one. 

If you’re into cult films and haven’t seen it, I think you need to. Maybe you’ll understand what I didn’t. ✏️



Pink Flamingos (1972)

6.0 rating on IMDb

Not Currently Available to Stream


“Notorious Baltimore criminal and underground figure Divine goes up against a sleazy married couple who make a passionate attempt to humiliate her and seize her tabloid-given title as ‘The Filthiest Person Alive’.”


Check out the quotes on the movie poster! “One of the most vile, stupid, and repulsive films ever made.” “Like a septic tank explosion, it has to be seen to be believed.” I love both of those ‘reviews’ and I actually agree with what they’re saying!

A lot of this movie is gross, and it’s supposed to be gross. When I saw it, I felt that’s all it was doing or trying to do. Since I’ve only seen it once, and I don’t intend on seeing it again, that opinion will stand. I don’t like when I think movies are trying to be weird/gross/violent/etc. just for the sake of being weird/gross/violent/etc. And that’s the way I felt watching Pink Flamingos. 

If you read the IMDb synopsis above, you can imagine what I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen it, but you have heard of it, the thing you’ve most likely heard is that it includes the star of the film, Divine, eating dog poop. Fresh out of the dog. No camera tricks, or props! Quite unappealing!!!!

What I just said about director David Lynch could be said about John Waters. Definitely an acquired taste. 

Again, if you want to explore cult films, you can’t do it without making this stop. ๐Ÿฆฉ



Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

6.9 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, HBO Max, and Starz


“A listless and alienated teenager decides to help his new friend win the class presidency in their small western high school, while he must deal with his bizarre family life back home.”


I’m not sure what was going on in 2004, but it seemed like everyone was talking about Napoleon Dynamite and how quirky and cool and smart it was. I saw it and didn’t think any of that was true. I may be an outlier, and I play that part quite a bit, but I didn’t think this movie was anything special. I didn’t think it was funny at all. Part of it was how much I hated the main character. Hard to enjoy a film when you hate the protagonist. 

But, as I’ve been saying, see for yourself. I could be wrong. Me being wrong would be nothing new. ๐Ÿงจ



Kingpin (1996)

6.9 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, Paramount +, Epix, and Showtime

“A star bowler whose career was prematurely “cut off” hopes to ride a new prodigy to success and riches.”


This cult film also gets an awful lot of love for something that I just found to be stupid in many ways. I didn’t connect with any of the characters and found them all annoying to some degree. That may have been the purpose for all I know. But when that happens in a movie, you’ve lost me. 

I love bowling movies, or at least movies that involve bowling in a non-sports way, but this was not “up my alley” as the poster promised. You may enjoy Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid more than I do and may like this, which is fine. I am not here to judge. Or debate you, Jerry. ๐ŸŽณ



Here are 15 Cult Movies That I CAN Vouch For!


The following 15 films are listed alphabetically because I didn’t want to face the ordeal of having to put them in any other order. 



The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984)

6.2 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, hoopla, tubi, and pluto


“Adventurer, brain surgeon, rock musician Buckaroo Banzai and his crime-fighting team, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, must stop evil alien invaders from the eighth dimension who are planning to conquer Earth.”


Peter Weller is Dr. Buckaroo Banzai, Jeff Goldblum (New Jersey), Lewis Smith (Perfect Tommy), and Pepe Serna (Reno Nevada) are members of Buckaroo’s Hong Kong Cavaliers. Ellen Barkin is here as Penny Priddy, and John Lithgow steals the movie as Dr. Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin.

This sci-fi/comedy/adventure/musical is so much fun that it, like almost everything on this list, deserves repeated viewings. Many lines from BB have made it into my list of repeated phrases. “Hey…hey…hey…now. Don’t be mean; we don’t have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” Just writing about this makes me want to watch it again. I’m sure I’ll feel that way about every movie on the rest of this list. ๐Ÿ‘ฝ



Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

7.3 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, kanopy, Showtime, and tubi


“An unlikely partnership between a highway patrol officer, two criminals, and a station secretary is formed to defend a defunct Los Angeles precinct office against a siege by a bloodthirsty street gang.”


Directed by John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape from New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China), this is a gritty action crime thriller that has the feeling of a horror movie in many ways. 

The “good guys” are actually a mix of good and bad since the police need to team with a prisoner to fight a common enemy. The precinct is closing so it’s almost abandoned, no one is showing up to help, and the bad guys are showing up in droves to attack the precinct.

It reminded me of zombie movies where the zombies seem to have little to no plan. They don’t speak, and they seem to be inhuman.  They just show up in force and attack attack attack. 

I remember this being shown on the 4:30 movie when I was in high school. Because of the showtime and the fact that it was on network television, the 4:30 movie was always edited for TV. One time (I watched this every time it was on) the censors fell asleep at the switch and they let the word asshole sneak through. So funny that I remember that, but it was a time when you NEVER heard swearing on television. 

This is an exceptional thriller with a little known cast featuring a very cool musical score. Carpenter did it himself, as he likes to do. This is a dandy. I want to watch it right now. ๐Ÿš”

 


The Big Lebowski (1998)

8.1 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, Showtime, and Starz


“Ultimate L.A. slacker Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire of the same name, seeks restitution for a rug ruined by debt collectors, enlisting his bowling buddies for help while trying to find the millionaire’s missing wife.”


While The Big Lebowski may not be a sports film, it certainly is a cult film. One of the prerequisites of being a cult film seems to be poor box office and/or poor reviews at the time of its release. Cult films, like cheese,  get better with age I guess. It’s almost like critics and regular viewers are collectively saying, “I think I missed this the first time around, but it’s pretty damn good!” This movie fits into that category.

I’ve seen more than one interview with the Coen brothers where they’re asked what surprised them the most about their movies. I absolutely adore the Coen brothers for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that they admit they make movies for themselves, and not the general public. If you like it, cool, If you don’t, cool. We liked it. 

In any event, the answer to that question of what surprised them is always Lebowski. Not even the Coen brothers saw this coming. 

The cast features many of the Coen brothers favorites, and each and every one of them shines in their own unique way. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is tremendous in a small role, John Tuturro plays Jesus (not that Jesus!), the late, great Jon Polito is along for the ride, as is new friend of Cinema Wellman, Tara Reid. 

I love this movie so much that there’s a bit of Lebowski in pretty much every room in my house. Several Lebowski lines have made their way into my everyday vernacular. It’s the only movie script I own. 

There are nihilists and girls without toes and carpet pissers in this one. And Julianne Moore is Maude Lebowski. And Maude Lebowski is amazing!

Mix up a White Russian, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, and sit back and enjoy the “Lebowski Experience.” ๐ŸŽณ



Blade Runner (1982)

8.1 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, HBO Max, and tubi


“A blade runner must pursue and terminate replicants who stole a ship in space, and have returned to Earth to find their creator.”


This is one of the most visually stunning films you’ll ever see. I realize the special effects game has drastically changed since 1982, but Blade Runner is still dazzling to the eye, even by today’s standards.

Harrison Ford is Deckard. Deckard is one of those “blade runners” mentioned in the synopsis. His job is to find and eliminate replicants (robots) who are up to no good. Deckard ends up on a journey that ultimately leads to a grim discovery. 

Director Ridley Scott (Alien) is quite at ease in this genre and presents this in the style of a futuristic noir film. It even features a voice over narration by Deckard which was removed in later versions. If you haven’t seen Blade Runner, watch the original version first. If you love it, watch the version without the voice over narration, and I think you’ll love it more. 

This film, like many on this list, features a deep cast. Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, Daryl Hannah, and M. Emmet Walsh are all wonderful in this sci-fi thriller that will have you questioning many things, including your own existence.

While you’re at it, read the source material! Phillip K. Dick’s “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” Always worthwhile to read the source material if possible when watching movies! ๐Ÿค–



Clerks (1994)

7.7 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, HBO, Paramount +, and Showtime

“A day in the lives of two convenience clerks named Dante and Randal as they annoy customers, discuss movies, and play hockey on the store roof.”


If you’re sensitive to salty language, Clerks may not be for you. The f-word and its derivatives show up 91 times in a 92 minute movie, and it’s far from the only profanity in the movie. 

The first, and many say best, offering from director Kevin Smith is hysterical. It’s also a look at what it’s actually like to be a “clerk.” The day to day monotony of working in a convenience store is on display along with the constant parade of oddball customers. Like the poster says, “Just because they serve you doesn’t mean they like you.”

There really isn’t much going on here at all as far as a story, yet it’s so enjoyable. These clerks are people. They are real people, and this is a glimpse into their lives. 

Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith (Jay and Silent Bob) steal the show for me as the weed-dealing slackers that hang out outside of The Quick Stop. 

Kevin Smith actually worked in the store in which the movie was filmed. They’d shoot all night, and then he’d open the store at 6:00 am and work his shift. These are the things cult movies are made of. ๐Ÿช



Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

7.1 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime


“A group of Southern California high school students are enjoying their most important subjects: sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.”


This teenage comedy boasts an amazing cast of now accomplished, award-winning actors. Sean Penn was 22 and Fast Times was his 2nd movie! Friend of Cinema Wellman Jennifer Jason Leigh was 20, this was her 3rd. Forest Whitaker was 21, this was his 2nd. Judge Reinhold was 25 and in his 4th movie. Phoebe Cates was 19, in her 2nd movie. And Eric Stolz was 21 and in his very first movie. 

Watching them come together this early on in their careers to help create what Fast Times became is a blast. 

Director Amy Heckerling was only 28 when she directed this, and 25 year old Cameron Crowe wrote the screenplay!!! There were so many young people working on this, it must have been an amazing shoot. 

Like so many cult movies, Fast Times at Ridgemont High has added to our collective vocabulary. This is a ton of fun. ๐Ÿ„



Foxy Brown (1974)

6.5 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, tubi, and pluto


“A voluptuous black vigilante takes a job as a high-class prostitute to get revenge on the mobsters who murdered her boyfriend.”


“Don’t mess aroun’ with Foxy Brown, she’s the meanest chick in town!” Why don’t we have movie posters like this anymore! That’s gold!

Foxy Brown is tremendous. Friend of Cinema Wellman Pam Grier is tremendous. This is 70s grit at its best with a kick-ass female protagonist. 

Since it was made in 1974, Foxy Brown certainly qualifies as a “Blaxploitation” film. Coined three years before the release of this film, Blaxploitation referred to  films belonging to  an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film genre. Think gritty, grindhouse stuff. The term is a portmanteau combining the words black and exploitation. 

This term never made sense to me because of the negative connotation of the word exploitation. These films were made by black people for black people with a predominantly black cast. There’s really no exploitation going on here at all. These films are tremendous fun. Pam Grier is a super superstar and a role model for young women. I also love that the bad guy in all of these movies was “whitey.” It’s about time. And I can honestly say that I thought that when I was first introduced to this genre. 

Start with Foxy Brown and go on to Coffey, Shaft, Cleopatra Jones, Three the Hard Way, and Dolemite. It is such a fun genre of films that are action packed and feature great soundtracks. ๐ŸฆŠ



Freaks (1932)

7.8 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime


“A circus’ beautiful trapeze artist agrees to marry the leader of a group of side-show performers, but his deformed friends discover she is only marrying him for his inheritance.”


When I first thought about this topic for a potential episode, I knew I had to include Tod Browning’s Freaks. I remember thinking to myself, How the hell am I going to write about Freaks? Months later, I have that same thought. 

This is a movie about carnivals and carnies. Let that sink in for a minute and then think about a movie about carnivals and carnies made in 1932. It reminds me of reading the stories of Edgar Allan Poe in my classroom and having my 8th graders freak out. I always added, “Think about reading this stuff before the Civil War.” Yeah. 

So carnivals and carnies are terrifying. I think we can agree and that’s what makes this movie so appealing. We’re curious, but do we actually want to see behind that curtain? 

There are no special effects used in this film. The “freaks” are actual sideshow entertainers from the time and that makes things more unsettling. The ending of this film will give you the night sweats. ๐ŸŽช



Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

8.2 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime and Netflix


“King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table embark on a surreal, low-budget search for the Holy Grail, encountering many, very silly obstacles.”


I was a Monty Python fan at a very young age. I remember being in 7th/8th grade and staying up on Sunday nights waiting for episodes to be broadcast on PBS. The same channel that gave us Sesame Street! The next day I was ready to exchange lines and discuss everything about the show with my best friend Donny in the playground of Sacred Heart School.

I think I learned more about history from watching Monty Python than I ever did at Sacred Heart School. Especially in 7th grade.

I was exposed to Monty Python at exactly the right moment. The same could be said about National Lampoon. This stuff was as subversive as I dared to get into living under the same roof as my mother. 

This movie, which tries to tell the story of King Arthur and his Knight of the Round Table, is so off the wall. Violent scenes of comical bloodletting intermingle with lavish musical numbers. And watch out for the rabbit. 

Any Monty Python fan worth their salt can quote the aggressive, taunting French castle guard by heart. Along with pretty much the rest of the entire script. It’s gold. ๐Ÿฅฅ



Night of the Living Dead (1968)

7.8 rating on IMDb

Available on 28 DIFFERENT streaming sites!!! Just toss a rock!


“A ragtag group of Pennsylvanians barricade themselves in an old farmhouse to remain safe from a horde of flesh-eating ghouls that are ravaging the East Coast of the United States.”


This is one of the last films in the United States to be released without a rating. The rating system was instituted on November 1, 1968, and this movie snuck in under the wire, being released on October 1, 1968. If it was released a month later, I’m sure the censors would have had a problem with it. 

I realize that in 2022 zombies are kind of old hat. We’ve been inundated by zombies for close to two decades now. If you want to see where it all started, you need to see Night of the Living Dead. In 1968 zombies were anything but old hat. George A. Romero did it first, and I still think he did it best. 

A little tidbit: the human flesh the zombies were eating in this black and white film is actually ham slathered in chocolate syrup. Yum! ๐ŸงŸ



Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

3.9 rating on IMDb

Available on hoopla, kanopy, freevee, tubi, and pluto


“Evil aliens attack Earth and set their terrible “Plan 9” into action. As the aliens resurrect the dead of the Earth, the lives of the living are in danger.”


“On the other hand, some of them are just fun to watch over and over because they’re mind-bendingly terrible.” Remember this quote from Jennifer Eiss? This is one of those cult movies. It’s really the first one on this list that fits into this category. A 3.9 rating from IMDb is the lowest rating we’ve seen so far. Only one film is lower, and that one is coming up soon. 

I love Plan 9 from Outer Space and I love director Ed Wood for being who he was, but even I will admit that this movie is just awful. But it’s “fun awful.” It’s “I can watch this over and over awful.” 

You know the old joke about special effects in a movie being so bad that you can see the wires holding up the pie plate flying saucers? That’s THIS MOVIE! 

I think everyone who loves movies should see this one, and they should also see Tim Burton’s Ed Wood (1994) which is about the making of this film. Ed Wood won an Oscar for Best Makeup, and Martin Landau won for Best Supporting Actor for playing screen legend Bela Lugosi. It’s wonderful. It doesn’t make fun of how bad Plan 9 was, it celebrates the efforts behind it.

See Ed Wood and then Plan 9 from Outer Space. I’ve done that double feature more than a couple times. ๐Ÿ›ธ



Point Break (1991)

7.2 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, Netflix, and HBO


“An F.B.I. Agent goes undercover to catch a gang of surfers who may be bank robbers.”


This is just an overdose of testosterone and Coppertone. Keanu is Keanu, Swayze is Swayze, and Busey is Busey! What more could you ask for?!?

The poster brags “100% Pure Adrenaline,” but it’s really 100% Pure Preposterous Bullshit. And it’s also awesome. 

My favorite part about Point Break is that it was directed by Kathryn Bigelow. Bigelow went on to win a Best Director Oscar for The Hurt Locker in 2008. Even though this was kind of “fluffy,” you could see that Bigelow was extremely talented and would go on to helm bigger and better things. 

Grab two meatball sandwiches and ride the couch while Johnny Utah and Bodhi ride the waves. ๐Ÿ„



Reefer Madness (1938)

3.7 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime, hoopla, kanopy, Paramount +, and pluto


“Cautionary tale features a fictionalized take on the use of marijuana. A trio of drug dealers lead innocent teenagers to become addicted to “reefer” cigarettes by holding wild parties with jazz music.”


As far as propaganda films go, this is the absolute funniest one I have ever seen. The original title of Reefer Madness was Tell Your Children. Both are equally hilarious. 

Check out some of these quotes from posters for Reefer Madness: 


“Women Cry for It! Men Die for It! The Love Weed!”

“Dope-Created Ecstasy Avalanching Into Frightful Perversions!”

“Makes Beasts of Men & Women!”

“The Truth About Marijuana Parties!”

“Takes You Through Hell! The Torturer That Never Stops!”

“Sin…Degradation…Vice…Insanity!”


This is 66 minutes of madness. After one puff of “the Devil’s Weed,” young people participate in exaggerated acts of violence and sexual perversion. My favorite is the guy who smokes and giggles incessantly. He appears as if he’s ingested a pound of cocaine. 

This is the lowest rated film on the entire list at 3.7. Another of those “so bad it’s good” kind of cult movies. 

I blame that jazz music those kids are listening to while they smoke those jazz cigarettes! I wish I had seen this at a midnight showing at some point to be with a crowd and watch it through the haze. ๐Ÿ’š



Showgirls (1995)

5.0 rating on IMDb

Available on kanopy: #filmsthatmatter ๐Ÿคฃ


“Nomi, a young drifter, arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas showgirls.”


Once again, I ask you to check out those quotes on the poster; “Just plain awful.” “A bad film, borderline inept, with an anti-erotic toxic charge about it. It deserved all the mean things people said about it.” “Perhaps the worst movie of the year.”

Those are phenomenal notes! And all are very, very true. This is the third lowest rated film on this entire list (5.0) and one that needs to be seen for how stunningly bad it is. 

This unbelievably messy and offensive dumpster fire was directed by Paul Verhoeven and stars Saved by the Bell escapee Elizabeth Berkley as Nomi Malone, and it pretty much ruined her career. 

Showgirls is unintentionally funny and features some of the worst acting you will ever see. Some of it from people you used to trust. 

Remember when I said earlier that writing about these movies made me want to see them again? I’m not quite sure that claim extends as far as the likes of Showgirls. Maybe if I dust myself with glitter before I view. ๐ŸŒŸ



This is Spinal Tap (1984)

7.9 rating on IMDb

Available on Amazon Prime


“Spinal Tap, one of England’s loudest bands, is chronicled by film director Marty DiBergi on what proves to be a fateful tour.”


My love for this film goes to 11. I remember seeing this more than a few times in the theater as a senior at BU, and it is one of the most rewatchable movies in film history. 

Director Rob Reiner and the boys in the band (Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer) improvised their way through a reported 100+ hours of film that were somehow edited down to 82 minutes!

This “mockumentary” about the fictitious band Spinal Tap will be one of the funniest films you will ever see. The cast is deep and they feed off of each other with an infectious energy that grabs you with both gloves and draws you into the fun. 

There’s a scene at Graceland where the guys are attempting to sing an acapella version of “Heartbreak Hotel” at Elvis’ grave that destroys me every time. Every time I watch this movie, I film that sequence and send it to my friend John. “We should do it in the same key, though…”

Like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, fans of this movie can practically recite the entire film from memory. It’s stuff like that that solidifies your status in the realm of the cult movie. ๐ŸŽธ



And that’s it for our “Beginner’s Guide to Cult Movies.” If you enjoyed this, be on the lookout for an upcoming blog that will explore cult films that were NOT included in Peacock’s docuseries. Just some of Cinema Wellman’s favorite cult movies. Coming soon!



Do you have a favorite cult film?

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Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Which Was Worse? Creep Van vs. Bus Party to Hell

                                                Which Was Worse?

OR

Creep Van vs. Party Bus to Hell

“I am all about vans!”




In the inaugural episode of “Which Was Worse?” we featured a couple of bad airplane movies. For this episode, we’re sticking with conveyances, but we’ll be staying closer to the ground this time. 

Facing off today to determine “Which Was Worse?” we have Creep Van (2012) vs. Bus Party to Hell (2017). On paper, both looked like total disasters. They also looked like total disasters on my television screen, which was no surprise. 

As you probably know, IMDb has a crowd-sourced rating for each movie. These movies combined earned 7.9 stars. Other films including Knives Out, Almost Famous, and This is Spinal Tap earned 7.9 stars on their own! I knew these were both going to be raging dumpster fires, but one had to be worse! Which would it be?


Would you like to check out the trailers?

That may give you a better idea of what I was going through. 


Creep Van (Trailer) - YouTube

Bus Party to Hell (Trailer) - YouTube


A reminder of the official “WWW?” rubric that helps determine the “winner.”

 

The Official Which Was Worse? Rubric

Story/Plotline/

Script

1

0

-1

-2

-3

Acting

1

0

-1

-2

-3

Special Effects

1

0

-1

-2

-3

Self-Awareness

1

0

-1

-2

-3

Effort

1

0

-1

-2

-3



Let’s Get in That Van!

Let’s see how Creep Van fared on the rubric. They were awarded 0 points for story, -1 for acting, 0 for special effects, -1 for self-awareness, and a 1 for effort. That’s a total of -1 headed into the “Lightning Round!”


Each of the following indiscretions added another minus to the overall score. And here we go:


*Pretty much the first line of the movie is, ”Only bad people own vans.” Okay, mom. 


*A hoodlum attempting to climb in the passenger window of Creep Van is sliced in half - that’s a PLUS 1! 


*Opening credits are seizure inducing.


*Features a sign at a carwash with a thinly veiled, unfunny sex joke along with a website address. I looked up the website, and there was nothing. That’s lazy. If you’re going to include a joke website, build it. 


*Driver of Creep Van picks up an obnoxious hitchhiker who won’t shut up. The driver finally pushes in the dashboard lighter which sends a spike through the chest of the hitchhiker. This is also a PLUS 1!


*”Bro. You best get back to work, yo.” This line was spoken to a black character. Are we supposed to like this idiot protagonist, or root for him to be murdered by the Creep Van?


*The idiot protagonist has a friend who appears to want to be a pro wrestler. He may also live in a dog house in his driveway. This was never explained at all. 


*”How many girls have disappeared after a ride in this?” Actually asked by a potential female buyer before she is sliced to bits by a seat belt. Is that supposed to be funny?


*There’s a mess to clean up. Character one says, “I’ll get the hose.” Character two quips, “Hookers have nothing to do with this.” Hardy har har. 


*Gratuitous nudity. Dog house guy’s girlfriend. 


*Guy: ”Would you like a beer?” Girl: “Sure. Get me buzzed, and you might have a fighting chance.” Girl then drinks one sip and starts making out. Make up your mind!


*Valet parking attendant is killed by a spiked air bag in the van. Creative, but he didn’t deserve that. 


*Use of the R word! When was this made? Oh, 2012…NOPE! That’s a -2!


*Idiot protagonist claims he’s been looking for his girlfriend/co-worker “all afternoon” even though there are a total of five employees at the carwash, and it’s a carwash!



*Idiot protagonist breaks into the Creep Van while the owner is in the hardware store buying serial killer stuff.


*One of the all time dumbest things ever included in any movie I’ve ever seen: A montage of comical sex scenes with the wrestler roommate and his perpetually naked girlfriend. Slapstick sex scenes? So out of place in this film. It was something out of Airplane for goodness sake!


*Creep Van saves the day by driving directly into the house and killing wrestler roommate and perpetually naked girlfriend while they have sex. PLUS +2 for killing them after that stupid joke sex scene montage. Thank you, Creep Van guy!


*Creep Van guy kills everyone at the carwash. He impales a guy on a muffler. Style points! Not sure the stoner workers and the creepy boss actually deserved to be so stylistically murdered though.


*Awful character named “Swami Ted” (based on Ted Nugent) appears for little to no reason and is then dispatched by Creep Van guy with the old “van antenna to the jugular” trick. Thanks again, Creep Van guy!


*Idiot protagonist accidently kills his girlfriend with a tire iron into her open mouth. That’s what happens when you lash out with a tire iron without looking. The girlfriend was the only remotely likable character in this. Now that she’s dead, I’m all for the rest of the cast being killed by Creep Van. 


*Idiot protagonist turns the tables on Creep Van guy and gets behind the wheel. Creep Van guy peeks his head partially into the passenger side door. Idiot protagonist activates the “guillotine window” and slices off Creep Van guy’s face. It doesn’t chop off his head, it slices off his face. Not sure why. It was a nasty image. I’m sure that’s why. 


*Idiot protagonist is blamed for ALL of the murders and goes to prison! Film ends with him in his orange jumpsuit in prison, and the Creep Van in the police impound lot. Gate closes. Roll credits! Really?!?!


Final Score for Creep Van: -17  Atrocious showing, but I have faith in Bus Party to Hell because Tara Reid is in it. She alone should be worth a -5. 



Next Stop, Burning Man!

When Bus Party to Hell was plugged into the rubric, it earned  -2 points for story, -2 for acting, 0 for special effects, -1 for self-awareness, and a -1 for effort. That’s a total of -6 headed into the “Lightning Round” putting it 5 points behind (or is it ahead)?


What have you got for us, Tara?


*Top billing: Tara Reid. I’m actually AWARDING a point for her, because she’s a good sport.


*The bus is headed to Burning Man.


*Tara saws someone’s head off in the opening scene. Not cuts, saws. It takes a while. He’s wearing a Slash-esque top hat. 


*Lyrics of the song played over opening credits include, “We’re on a party bus. A party bus to hell.”


*Gratuitous Party Bus nudity at the 4:39 mark. 


*The opening credits aren’t even over and I want everyone to die. 


*Party bus goes over a bump causing a young woman’s naked breast to “pop into” the open mouth of another young woman on the party bus. So that’s the type of thing we’re dealing with here. 


*Creepy photographer actually says, “There’s no such thing as gratuitous female nudity.” Wanna bet?


*Mummies show up out of nowhere. Before they kill a girl, they remove her bikini top. Because…I guess mummies do that. 


*Whilst being killed by the mummies, the creepy photographer shrugs his shoulders and photographs her since she’s now topless. She’s being murdered. Did I mention that?


*Creepy photographer is cut in half by the mummies. Definite PLUS 1!


*Tara Reid is run over by the Party Bus at the 12:30 mark. She was arguably the best part of this mess by far, and now even Tara Reid is gone!


*The Satanic cult features topless girl with a snake. Of course it does. 


*Female victim is force fed the snake. They then cut open the woman’s stomach and remove the snake. This is actually foreshadowing even though the filmmakers probably have no idea what foreshadowing is. 


*Character says aloud, “This is a bunch of shit.” As Cinema Sins likes to say, something blurted out by the director makes it into the movie!


*”Can you hear me now” joke is whispered into a severed ear. Was that joke still making the rounds in 2017? Wow. 


*For some reason, the Party Bus has been built to be impenetrable, and yet, one of the cultists opens a hatch in the roof, and chops a guy’s head clean off. Blood fountain! That was easy!


*Severed head is then tossed to a topless woman (they actually yell, “head’s up!”) and she proceeds to, I believe the term is, motorboat the severed head. Not since Re-Animator have we seen the likes of this!


*The amount of sex mixed with the amount of blood in this is troubling. 


*The ancient trope of a virgin being needed by the satanic cult shows up. And there just happens to be a virgin on the bus! How fortuitous! It’s the girl whose bare breast popped into that other girl’s mouth earlier. I had her pegged as a virgin as soon as I saw her!


*An attempt at a jump-scare was neither jumpy or scary. 


*Interesting bit about the tattooed bus driver’s tattoos of snakes, scorpions, lizards, and tarantulas coming to life and terrorizing the people on the party bus. It could have earned a point, but they did nothing to explain it, and the animals were all tattoos again after a few minutes of strobe lights and heavy metal music. 


*Please don’t tell me that one of the guys is going to have sex with her on the Party Bus so she will no longer be a virgin and the cult will leave them alone. Please don’t. Oh, okay. You’re going to do it anyway?! Well, that cost you FIVE POINTS!!!!


*The two of them then go UNDER THE FLOOR to have sex in the luggage compartment. While the deflowering is going on, that graphic scene is intercut with the full blown blood orgy that’s happening outside the Party Bus. 


*The virgin girl turns 18 the very next day. Why did they feel the need to include that little bit of information? Yuck. 


*Also intercut with the deflowering in the luggage bay and the blood orgy is the other bus passengers cutting open the stomach of the dead tattooed bus driver on the off chance that she SWALLOWED THE KEYS TO THE BUS?!?!?! 


*And she ACTUALLY DID SWALLOW THE KEYS!!!!


*Virgin turns out to be “The Chosen One.” While having sex, she turns into a demon and kills and eats the boy who was deflowering her. 


*”Nobody appreciates the C-word.” Demon Virgin says this to a guy who had just aimed the word at his girlfriend. Demon Virgin then kills him. Demon Virgin is correct about the C-word! PLUS +1 for killing him!


*The two surviving girls take the bloody keys and drive away into the desert. The Party Bus breaks down, but they are “saved” by a creepy guy who then wants to hurt them. They kill him. Why was this scene even included?


*Demon Virgin is back to normal during the day and her friends run into her in the middle of the desert driving the vehicle of the guy they just murdered. They decide she’s okay, and pick her up. I mean, why not?


*While they’re driving, Demon Virgin points at a wolf dog on the side of the road and the dog explodes. She also turns on the car radio without touching it. This, of course, is never explained. 


*And that’s the end! A sequel is teased before the closing credits, but thankfully it has yet to be made. 


Bus Party to Hell is the clear winner with a final score of -38 and it certainly deserves to be crowned worse in this matchup!


One of the things that really annoyed me about Bus Party to Hell was its resemblance, in part, to Race With the Devil from 1975. That was an excellent thriller starring Peter Fonda, Warren Oates, Lara Parker, and Loretta Swit. In it, two couples vacationing together in an R.V. out west are terrorized after they witness a murder during a Satanic ritual. So close enough there.

So close, in fact, that the makers of this crap actually paid homage to that movie by naming characters in this movie Lara Swit, Peter Oates, and Warren Fonda. Trouble is, the full names are never used! So why bother? Your homage was as pitiful as your film.


Well, that’s it for this episode of “Which Was Worse?” This was a pretty easy call to make. As a matter of fact I’ll go so far as to say this;  I’d rather watch Creep Van again in its entirety than watch even the trailer for Bus Party to Hell, or Party Bus to Hell, whatever they want to call it.

Seriously? You couldn’t decide on a title for this garbage? Pick one!




It wasn’t even worthy of Tara Reid. 

#teamtara



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