Cinema Wellman’s Shark Week

“What about all those people who died?”

“Well, my chili always wins the cook-off!”

Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman, I am your host David, and those lines come from one of the 17 almost entirely terrible shark movies that I screened here during Cinema Wellman’s 1st annual Shark Week!

I figured if the Discovery Channel could do it for 38 straight years, we needed to get going.

Here’s the lineup which was screened from lowest IMDb score (1.8) to highest IMDb score (only a 4.5):

*Noah’s Shark

*Ouija Shark

*Land Shark (2017)

*Megashark vs. Crocosaurus

*Shark in Venice

*Supershark

*Swim

*Ouija Shark 2

*Zombie Shark a.k.a. Shark Island

*Sharktopus

*Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf

*Toxic Shark

*Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

*Ozark Sharks

*Land Shark (2020)

*Killer Shark (2021)

*Killer Shark (1950)

While I was in the midst of this project a work friend asked me why I was doing this. “Why would you subject yourself to all of that crap?!”

My answer, as always, was, “So you don’t have to!”

If hearing all of those titles made you think that they sound like pretty much the same movie that’s because they all seemed to be pretty much the same movie. 

Just about every one of them contained one or more of the following: 

*A star that you kind of remember from earlier in their career when they were more famous (Catherine Oxenberg, Robert Carradine, Casper Van Dien, Jason London, Steven Baldwin, Jaleel White, John Schneider, Jimmie J.J. Walker, Joey Lawrence, etc.)

*A shark that defies everything science has ever told us and can easily shift to being a land animal resulting in actors screaming at one another to “Run!” which should never be a problem when a shark is after you. The line “RUN!” is screamed in 95% of these movies, and that just doesn’t make any sense at all.

*A part that the filmmakers obviously wanted Nic Cage to play but couldn’t afford him.

*A JAWS homage including bad lines that still don’t get it right! Including “We’re gonna need a bigger needle,” AND “We’re gonna need a bigger everything.”

*Ample proof that good CGI costs a LOT of money!

*Sharks with a STUNNING sense of timing! There were so many Ass Dan deaths in these movies, I started looking forward to them!

*People hooking up at the end of the movie! ALL THE TIME! Even if they’ve just lost loved ones or significant others hours before! 

*And…bikinis…bikinis…bikinis…

Instead of ranking them (impossible) or doing a 17-way “Which Was Worse?” (lunacy), I’m just going to throw out scenes I witnessed and let you know which movie to watch if that’s something you’d like to see.

Spoiler alert…you won’t want to see anything. 

But, here we go, just in case; let’s get in the water!

🦈What sounds better? Zombie Shark or Shark Island? Well, you’re in luck since it’s literally one movie. Check it out under either title, and I guarantee you’ll be disappointed.  

🦈Need to see a shark take down a LEGIT oil rig? The entire thing!  Take that, JAWS 2!!! Find and watch Supershark.

🦈Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf is the movie for you if you’d like to see a mashup of a whale and a wolf that looks like NEITHER of those two animals!

🦈If you ever want to see a movie in which the screenwriter had to have been paid by the word, see Swim. This may have more unnecessary dialogue in a film that I have EVER seen! Normal human beings just don’t speak like this. 

🦈Did you know that hell was populated by apes in sunglasses and girls in bikinis? No? Check out Ouija Shark 2. This is quite possibly the worst of the 17, by the way. 

🦈Land Shark is the movie for you if you’d like to see a shark do a Godzilla impersonation and be taken down by tasers.

🦈If you’d like to see Noah’s Ark, which people have been looking for for centuries, see Noah’s Shark. The people in it go to the top of Mt. Ararat, and BINGO! It’s there! And it’s HUGE! Very well preserved. I’m surprised there weren’t still animals living on it!

🦈Interested in seeing the evil villain at the end being a horrible impersonation of the current president implying he was behind it all along, then you need to see Ouija Shark. The ending was the only part of the movie that was actually believable.

🦈Interested in a mutated shark movie that did nothing to set itself apart from any of the 16 other nonsensical shark movies I watched this week, well, how about Killer Shark?

🦈This is the movie for you if you’d like to see a “Tinder app come to life” turned zombie because of arsenic in a shark. It also features a shark shooting green, toxic goo out of an extra dorsal fin. “It’s that shark goo!” That’s why they call him Toxic Shark!

🦈Interested in seeing a creature with a shark head and octopi's tail that’s able to WALK on its tentacles, you need to see Sharktopus.

🦈Ever wonder what it would look like if a 6th grade art class was put in charge of the special effects for a movie, see Land Shark! Papier Mache at best. 

🦈Well…. shark in a woodchipper. How about that? If that’s on your bingo card, you’ll need to see Ozark Sharks.  And if that doesn’t sell you on it, the last shark is shot with a bomb that results in it being part of a fireworks display. “Should have stayed in the ocean, bitch.”

🦈Do you want to see a gigantic crocodile take out two Orcas at Sea World MID PERFORMANCE followed by a gigantic shark swallowing a nuclear submarine whole, then you’re in luck! Just watch Megashark vs. Crocosaurus. 

🦈If you have any interest in watching Steven Baldwin overact edited in between stock footage of Venice in a movie shot in Bulgaria, then you need to see Shark in Venice.

🦈If you’d like to see Conan O’Brien, playing Conan O’Brien, take a Sharktopus tentacle through the back of his head having it come out of his mouth before the Sharktopus bites off his head, spits it out an in the path of a beach volleyball game where they proceed to play with it, then you must see Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda because I doubt you’ll see that exact parlay anywhere else. 

🦈Would you like to see a shark movie that deals with an actual shark fishing boat and has zero CGI? Well, Killer Shark from 1950 is what you need to see. 

Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman as we close the cage door on our first ever Shark Week!

We already have programming planned for the next two years of Shark Week, so we hope you can clear your schedules and get onboard for those. 

Join us next time when the episode will have NOTHING to do with sharks for a change!

Instead we’ll be sharing 10 new CAT movies we’d never seen as we get ready to have a feline visitor to Cinema Wellman!

Hope to see you for that, and until then, take care. 

And remember that my chili always wins the cook off!