Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman. I am your host David, and I am once again cat-sitting for Courtney as she’s off to another music festival.
This time Delta brought along a housemate for his stay! Welcome to Cinema Wellman, Pedro.
Pedro is a jumping spider, and since the pet-sitting precedent was set with Nora, then Delta, Pedro is going to co-host this episode of unsettling spider cinema!
During his visit, Pedro was subjected to 16 different spider movies he had never seen.
All 16 were also new to me, so you won’t be hearing about spider cinema such as Arachnophobia, The Mist, Kingdom of the Spiders, Enemy, Spaceman, or ANY of the seemingly hundreds of movies in the Spider-Man universe.
Other shows cover stuff like that.
You come to Cinema Wellman for the egg-sack of spider cinema, not that mainstream web stuff.
Here at Cinema Wellman you get spider movies such as Itsy Bitsy, Ice Spiders, Arachnoquake, Big Ass Spider!, Eight Legged Freaks, Spiders on a Plane, Spiders, AND Spiders!
So here are 16 legs (2 spiders worth) of spider movies that Pedro and I screened during his visit.
Pedro was underwhelmed with most of them as was I, but we have to say that we were pretty impressed by the spider effects used in the majority of the movies we watched.
It must be a hell of a lot easier to CGI spiders than it is sharks since most of these spiders were actually spidery!
For the record, I don’t have a spider issue, or a bug issue of any kind for that matter.
Here at Wellman, I do my best to capture bugs and release them back into nature.
Except mosquitos. I straight up kill mosquitos.
I have no problems with that.
So here are the 16 legs of spider movies ranked from worst to “best” if that’s a word you’d like to use.
Many of these movies seem like the same movie. I’ll give you the IMDb synopsis for each movie and you’ll see what I mean.
I’ll also give you the method in which the spiders were eradicated in each movie, but not that much else since most really don’t have much in the way of a plot.
Most of these movie spiders fall into one of the following categories: lab spiders, alien spiders, mutant spiders, real spiders, and spiders from another dimension, so we’ll make sure you get that info as well.
Let’s spin this web, Pedro!
Arachnia (2003)
R/82 m/IMDb: 3.3/directed by Brett Piper
IMDb: “When a small research plane carrying a group of science students and their professor crash-lands in the middle of nowhere, the survivors go to a nearby farmhouse to look for help but soon find themselves besieged by giant mutant spiders.”
Like a corrupt politician testifying before Congress, I’m going to be saying the phrase, “I don’t remember,” quite a bit during this episode for a variety of reasons, the main one being that very few of these movies were memorable.
I found myself watching the trailers before writing to help me discern one spider movie from the next.
The only thing that stands out about Arachnia is how bad the acting was.
The papier mache spiders had more range than the cast.
Spiders eventually defeated by poorly thrown Molotov cocktails and explosives.
This isn’t the lowest IMDb score of the bunch, but it’s our worst of the worst.
Next up…
Ice Spiders (2007)
R/86 m/IMDb: 3.2/directed by Tibor Takacs
IMDb: “A top-secret government project has produced giant spiders and they have escaped, killing and eating everything in sight.”
I wonder if a government shutdown affects the giant spider department?
I’ve never trusted the government, especially when it comes to spiders, but in this movie the government goes below and beyond.
Once they come in and kill all the spiders that THEY are responsible for unleashing, they make up a story and threaten everyone who says otherwise.
Classic top-secret government spider coverup.
Camel Spiders (2011)
R/79 m/IMDb: 2.6/directed by Jim Wynorski
IMDb: “Dozens of large, man-eating camel spiders first attack soldiers in the desert of Iraq, then invade the southwestern United States.”
The only thing I remember about this is thinking that the military technical advisor must have been a guy who saw Saving Private Ryan.
Once.
These are natural spiders. Real spiders. Camel spiders are also known as sun spiders or the very sexy wind scorpions.
Why wasn’t this titled Wind Scorpions?!
Arachnoquake (2012)
NR/86 m/IMDb: 2.8/directed by Griff Furst
IMDb: “An earthquake triggers a brood of giant fire-breathing spiders to attack the city of New Orleans.”
Poor New Orleans gets Katrina AND an Arachnoquake!
I was ready to make a snarky comment about how this New Orleans looked a lot like Toronto, but it actually WAS shot entirely in Louisiana!
And it was shot in 17 days, and it shows it!
Do you remember Bug Hall? Alfalfa in the 1994 film The Little Rascals?
Do you remember Edward Furlong? Sarah Connor’s son in Terminator 2: Judgement Day?
Do you remember Tracey Gold? Carol Seaver from TV’s “Growing Pains?”
Well all three of them are in this mess in which the spiders are finally defeated by fire.
Next up…you’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane, but did you know about…
Spiders on a Plane (2024)
NR/78 m/IMDb: 3.7/directed by Ben J. Williams
IMDb: “A group of four friends takes on a plane full of deadly venomous spiders accidentally released by a mad Russian scientist attacking all on-board the 747 flight from the UK to Colombia.”
For a movie made last year, this has some of the worst CGI interaction I’ve ever seen.
These four friends taking on a plane full of deadly venomous spiders swing and miss all over the place and yet the spiders still die.
I really have no recollection of how this group of four friends finally defeats a plane full of deadly venomous spiders accidentally released by a mad Russian scientist attacking all on-board the 747 flight from the UK to Colombia.
Spider in the Attic (2021)
NR/83 m/IMDb: 2.8/directed by Shannon Holiday
IMDb: “A deadly nest of spiders lurks in the attic, and the nest is about to be awoken by a news reporter and her colleagues.”
Oh those pesky new reporters and their colleagues!
There’s an attic full of spiders, and I believe the spiders actually win this battle.
I always root for spiders against the media.
Arachnid (2001)
R/95 m/IMDb: 4.0/directed by Jack Sholder
IMDb: “A scientific expedition investigating the outbreak of an unknown viral epidemic on an island in the south Pacific battles with a giant alien spider in the jungle.”
These gigantic alien jungle spiders are eventually defeated by machine guns and poison darts laced with their own venom.
Are spiders susceptible to their own venom?
Is that a thing?
Spiders (2013)
PG-13/89 m/IMDb: 3.4/directed by Tibor Takacs
IMDb: “After a Soviet space station crashes into a New York City subway tunnel, a species of venomous spiders is discovered, and soon they mutate to gigantic proportions and wreak havoc on the city.
Soviet Space Spiders!!!!
I love that this Soviet space station crashes into a New York City subway tunnel.
Even better, the Kaiju sized Soviet spider is killed by a NYC subway train!
And, while we’re here, can we just stop with the divorced couple in movies going through a difficult situation and getting back together?
Please?
Spiders (2000)
R/94 m/IMDb: 3.9/directed by Gary Jones
IMDb: “A DNA experiment on a rare breed of spider is taking place on a NASA space shuttle when a freak meteor shower engulfs the shuttle causing everything to go horribly wrong.
Another movie titled Spiders?!
Another movie titled Spiders that involves space?
Small universe.
First time bazooka shooter fires bazooka and it’s right on target.
Space spiders are more believable than that.
Itsy Bitsy (2019)
NR/94 m/IMDb: 4.6/directed by Micah Gallo
IMDb: “Based on the centuries old poem, a family moves into a secluded mansion where they soon find themselves being targeted by an entity taking the form of a giant spider.”
This was an ancient curse thing that should have relied more on the poem in my opinion.
It was a good-sized spider, and the effects were pretty good, so not a total waste of time.
The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
PG/80 m/IMDb: 3.3/directed by Bill Rebane
IMDb: “Giant spiders from another dimension invade Wisconsin.”
These spiders come all the way from another dimension and they go to Wisconsin?!
Hey, spiders, if you’re near Spring Green, check out a little place called Baron Brooks.
Alan Hale Jr. is in this one, and his first line is, “Hey, little buddy,” and I enjoyed that little homage.
What I didn’t enjoy as much is how Alan Hale Jr.’s top four buttons on his sheriff’s shirt are always unbuttoned.
He’s no Dawn Wells.
Earth vs. The Spider (1958)
AP/73 m/IMDb: 4.7/directed by Bert I. Gordon
IMDb: “Teenagers from a rural community and their high school science teacher join forces to battle a giant mutant spider.”
This giant mutant spider is an alien spider who, like many of the other spiders in these movies, is defeated by explosives.
Why don’t they just start with the explosives?
These movies would be 20 minutes tops!
The final four movies are really the only ones we would recommend, and what a shocker, two of those four feature Kaiju sized spiders!
Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
PG-13/99 m/IMDb: 5.5/directed by Ellory Elkayem
IMDb: "Venomous spiders get exposed to a noxious chemical that causes them to grow to monumental proportions.”
These spiders are real spiders, but that chemical spill makes them the 8-legged freaks in the title.
The ex-Mr. Courtney Cox stars in and does not ruin this movie that’s a throwback to the sci-fi monster movies of the 50s.
An 18 year old Scarlett Johansson has a prominent role as the sheriff’s daughter.
This one was silly fun with decent spider FX.
Next up is a movie that is NOT about the lead singer and bass player of The Police.
Sting (2024)
R/91 m/IMDb: 5.7/directed by Kiah Roach-Turner
IMDb: “After raising an unnervingly talented spider in secret, 12-year-old Charlotte must face the facts about her pet and fight for her family’s survival when the once charming creature rapidly transforms into a giant, flesh-eating monster.”
Charlotte (get it?) is played by Alyla Browne who also played young Furiosa in Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga, and she does a very good job in this as she watches helplessly as her pet turns into a monster.
Pedro and I loved the practical effects that were used instead of CGI for most of the movie.
And Charlotte’s weapon of choice being a water/mothball solution shot out of a super soaker is most excellent.
You go, Charlotte!
Big Ass Spider! (2013)
PG-13/80 m/IMDb: 5.3/directed by Mike Mendez
IMDb: “A giant alien spider escapes from a military lab and rampages the city of Los Angeles.”
We enjoyed this because it’s really an old school 50s sci-fi movie made in 2013.
Kaiju-sized alien spider attacking LA?
I’m getting in that van!
This was fun and worth a look.
If you’re a fan of giant spider movies, that is.
One to go, and it’s one of those classic monster movies that Big Ass Spider! was paying tribute to.
Tarantula (1955)
AP/80 m/IMDb: 6.4/directed by Jack Arnold
IMDb: “A spider escapes from an isolated Arizona desert laboratory experimenting in gigantism and grows to tremendous size as it wreaks havoc on the local inhabitants.”
This lab is extremely well done for a film made in 1955 as the scientists are growing all sorts of animals to gigantic forms.
Those growth serums do that every time.
This is another Kaiju-grade spider that is ultimately taken out by napalm dropped by uncredited fighter squadron leader Clint Eastwood!
How about that?!
Well, that’s a wrap for our spider cinema episode.
We’d like to thank Pedro for sitting in on this episode and sitting through all of those spider movies as well.
We hope you’re back with us next time when we remember the late, great Robert Redford with our Top 10 of his films.
Until then, take care.
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