Cinema Wellman Plays God
Hello and welcome to Cinema Wellman, I am your host, God as David and Chet have the day off!
I’ve been called in by David because he thought I’d be more merciful when dealing with the movie series I’m about to deal with.
This is Cinema Wellman’s 3rd “Request Episode,” and this one comes from Aria, a friend of Cinema Wellman, and Hannah, in Denver.
She requested an episode about a Christian movie series, God’s Not Dead. I wasn’t aware there was a debate going on. I feel fine.
David researched the series and knew he was going to need some help.
Aria must be important for David to contact me. I joked with him that I hadn’t heard from him since Game 6 in 1986, but he reminded me it was most likely Super Bowl XXV in 1991 when Norwood lined up that FG, but it was good to hear from him anyway.
I’m coming to you in my most accepted version of me. Yes, even I Google myself! Those images are wild, by the way, and none are even close! So many old, white men!
Most couldn’t handle my true form, not to mention the cold. All that “BGE”- Big God Energy - needs a serious cooling system.
My usual flowing white robe has been replaced with my martini robe because it’s Sunday, and even I get a day of rest. Cheers!
At first, we thought of doing a “Which Was Worse?” episode, but that didn’t seem to fit since it may have ended in a five-way tie for worst.
Then we were going to do a straight ranking of Worst to Best, before realizing there were clearly going to be no “bests.”
So, what we ended up with is just an overall look at the series in chronological order along with a list of grievances in an episode we were going to title “God’s Not Dead, But He’s Going to Wish He Was,” before landing on “Cinema Wellman Plays God.”
You’ll notice that the number of comments decreases a bit as we move along because, to be honest, this stuff just started to wear us down after a few days.
David wanted me to mention that he couldn’t watch more than one of these in the same day and that he’s changed his mind about that meatloaf movie.
May me help us all, let’s get started.
God’s Not Dead (2014)
PG/113 min./IMDb: 4.6/directed by Harold Cronk
IMDb: “College philosophy professor Mr. Radisson’s curriculum is challenged by his new student, Josh, who believes God exists.”
Brought to you by “Faith Family Films.” Heavy handed. Heavy sigh.
Kevin “Tarzan” Sorbo plays a terrible college professor (what college uses portable white boards?!) This professor is awful and unrealistic from the start. He wouldn’t have a job.
Dean “Superman” Cain plays a character so evil I’m surprised he wasn’t billed as “Beelzebub.”
A Muslim woman is shown removing her hijab to fit in - don’t like that at all, no matter where that plot is headed.
Christian movies also feature empty coffee cups!
I’m referred to as the “Big Man in the Sky” - excuse me?!?
Everyone looks bad here; pro-Christians, anti-Christians…
“I feel like God wants someone to defend him.” No. I do not.
Do we really need a movie that features a “Duck Dynasty” cast member spouting scripture (and not a duck to be seen!). I’m a big fan of ducks, by the way.
It is suggested rather strongly that other religions don’t worship me the right way, which is ridiculous. Worship me as you please.
Insulting, scripture-spouting nonsense.
“You have cancer.” “I don’t have time for cancer.” I’m not sure it works that way.
“The Bible had it right, and science had it wrong.” I’m here to tell you that there’s really no truth in that statement at all.
Shot in 20 days, and, as David likes to say, “It shows!”
Cancer update: Dean Cain’s wife: “I have cancer.” Dean Cain: “This couldn’t wait until tomorrow?” Oh, My ME!
The non-believers in this film are depicted as downright despicable.
Sorbo’s wife is a former student?!??! Good thing he’s a non-believer! A Christian professor would never marry a former student!
Sorbo’s character is so hateful that it all comes off as a joke. Everyone in the movie uses an iPhone except for Sorbo, and I’m not sure what point was trying to be made there ...Android users are non-believers?
That Muslim girl shown removing her hijab earlier is caught by her father listening to Christian scripture. The father beats her and kicks her out of the house. Not even I know how to unpack this movie’s message other than trying to portray EVERY other religion as being immoral and wrong.
Everyone who even questions (with valid questions) comes off as an idiot.
Can the Christian band “Newsboys” cure cancer?!?! According to this movie, I believe they can!
Tarzan gets hit by a car at the end and does some convenient “last minute shopping” and quotes scripture before he checks out. I found that to be hysterical.
One of the things we decided to do for this project was count how many times I’m mentioned. For this one, the “G-count” was a whopping 88. One of my nicknames, “Lord” had five hits, and my son was mentioned 11 times as well.
Can’t leave him out of these movies, I guess.
Even though he’s not in the titles, and I am.
God’s Not Dead 2 (2016)
PG/120 min./IMDb: 4.4/directed by Harold Cronk
IMDb: “When a high school teacher is asked a question in class about Jesus, her response lands her in deep trouble.”
Melissa “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” Joan Hart?
Ray Wise, who played the Devil in “Reaper?”
So, these first two movies cast Tarzan, Superman, a witch, and the Devil? Solid Christian lineup there.
Oh, and Pat Boone is in it, and that makes a lot of sense.
The woman’s cancer from movie #1 is gone after just prayer and an intervention by “Newsboys!” Honest to me! Pretty simplistic, don’t you think?
“The most basic human right of all is the right to know Jesus.” Really? You don’t want to give that more thought before bringing my son into it?
A “Duck Dynasty" daughter is in this? Are these movies sponsored by that show? Why else would they be all over it?
Christians are shown basically imposing their faith on an unwilling audience. Do they realize that? I mean, they’ve seen these movies, yes?
They can’t like the way they look, can they?!
And once again, all non-believers are unhinged and evil.
“Are you a believer?” Do normal people ask that question during regular conversation? And while I’m here, tossing around scripture in normal conversation is quite unappealing.
Pastor Dave and his sidekick are SO uninteresting, and I know they’re in ALL of these movies, and I’m not looking forward to any of their scenes.
The plotline is utterly preposterous. David wanted me to tell you that he was asked all sorts of questions about Jesus in his 33 years in a public-school classroom, and his answers NEVER landed him in deep trouble.
The soundtracks for these movies are textbook soap opera scores that go nowhere and have no sense of the scenes they’re supporting. Everything sounds the same throughout no matter what’s going on on-screen.
Why was this two hours long? Church isn’t even this long, for my sake!
There’s a mention of “Duck Dynasty” during JURY SELECTION?!?! Bitch, please.
Add a Ghostbuster to this stellar cast as Ernie Hudson is the judge.
This one had our heads spinning since it pits pro-Bible people against pro-Constitution people. It’s like the Phillies vs. the Yankees!
In this film, hard core Christians are painted as the enemy by the media. Have they watched FOX News? Just asking.
Wait, are we debating if Jesus Christ actually existed? Seriously? Educate yourselves, people.
The teacher’s lawyer’s “Switch-a-Roo” at the end is just stupid and goes on forever.
David wanted me to share that he refused to pay for any of these (other than the last one since he had no choice) and suffered through ads so NOT to pay for the movies (or the cause), and the commercials were more entertaining than the films. And it was VERY interesting to see who paid for ads during a Christian propaganda film!
Another NEWSBOYS performance?!?! Good me in heaven! Make it stop!
This ends with a plea for everyone watching to text a message to EVERYONE they know reading, you guessed it…"God’s Not Dead.”
The G-count dropped way down to 20 for this movie, but my boy still got
his 11 mentions.
God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness (2018)
PG/105 min./IMDb: 4.5/directed by Michael Mason
IMDb: “Now the late 2010s, an aging Reverend Dave faces cultural and social backlash, including having his church burned down during a protest, and he is antagonized by atheists, leftists, liberal college students, the school board, and rioters.”
Now the bad guys are people who don’t believe in me, leftists, and liberal college students?!? Wow. Nobody else out there for you to target or drown out? Good me almighty.
The fact that Christianity is painted as a persecuted religion in an American film is patently absurd. It’s borderline paranoia.
They bring up the “Mandela Effect,” and David absolutely hates that! No intelligent person who knew who Nelson Mandela was and was familiar with the situation DID NOT THINK HE DIED IN PRISON! And the fact that some people call it the “MandALA Effect” PROVES they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. David asked me to say all that.
In case you were wondering my thoughts on the subject; church and state should be separated then, now, always, and forever. A simple reason being there’s more than one religion to follow, follow them all, or follow none. I’d go with none.
Pastor Dave openly mocks legit questions asked by those questioning the faith. Come on, Pastor Dave. Be better. If you know the answers, answer the questions.
A Judge Jeanine Pirro spotting! As HERSELF? Unappealing.
This “God’s Not Dead” text thing is getting annoying as they mention it again. Please don’t include me in any part of your Christian e-chain letter.
The G-count for this was a lucky 13, and my son dropped down to just two mentions.
God’s Not Dead: We the People (2021)
PG/92 min./IMDb: 4.4/directed by Vince Null
IMDb: “Reverend Dave defending himself and a group of Christian homeschooling families after the inspection by the local government official.”
Empty coffee cups, again?!?! Maybe I AM dead!
Home Schools have real school desks?! How did I not know that?
Those evil liberals are once again the enemy. Yawn.
The young Muslim girl from early on in this series is now going FULL Christian with ZERO explanation.
The filmmakers know absolutely nothing about home schooling, by the way.
Jeanine Piro AGAIN?!?! And this time she’s a FICTIONAL CHARACTER who happens to be a JUDGE?!! I mean, this is idiotic even for this series. She played herself in the MOVIE BEFORE THIS, people!
At this point David and I were struggling to get through these. I suggested a drinking game, but he knew he didn’t have a chance against me, so…
More Newsboys?!?! At least we didn’t need to see them perform this time (or cure more cancer).
God’s Not Dead: In God We Trust (2024)
NR/96 min./IMDb: 4.6/directed by Lily Boles, Stephen Fogelman, Daniel Moore
IMDb: “Amid political and spiritual turmoil, Reverend David Hill steps up to run for Congress. Opponent Peter Kane aims to erase religion from policy, and the fight becomes a beacon of hope for people seeking more leadership in a divided world.”
Enough with the false persecution already.
The “bad” politician in this is for the separation of church and state and keeps using the phrase “religious superstition” instead of just “religion” to make him look more, you know, evil.
This Pastor Dave is so smug and annoying. I’m on record for loving everyone, but he’s a lot.
We’re expected to believe a government grant was pulled from a women' s shelter because there was a Bible study held there? Seriously? In America?
Scott “Charles in Charge” Baio and Charlene “Dallas” Tilton are in this! Baio’s “Charles in Charge” co-star Willie Aames starred as “Bibleman” in a TV series, so…. there’s that. David wanted me to add that Nicole Eggert was also in “Charles in Charge.” That’s it. He just didn’t want you to forget Nicole Eggert.
Newsboys AGAIN!!! They’re everywhere! Newsboys' infestation!
These movies keep repeating the same phrase over and over; “God is good. All the time.” Are they familiar with my Old Testament work?
Pastor Dave running for Congress vs. the Bad Politician and picks up the mic and starts working the crowd DURING THE DEBATE.
David and I were joyous at the conclusion of this one. We had made it through all five, even though it seemed like at least 10 movies!
And the G-count for this one was only 11. Did you people forget where your bread is buttered?
Some stats for the series: G-Count: 144 for an average of 28.8, my boy Jesus got a total of only 24 which I’ll make sure I bring up next Thanksgiving. And my nickname “Lord” only got 5 and all in the original. Didn’t catch on, I guess.
That’s the entire series, but, before I go, just a few items…
Get me off your money. And while you’re doing that, take me out of public schools and government buildings, and you know…NON-religious places.
Thanks for all of the prayers, sorry I don’t answer a vast majority of them, but check the fine print of our original user agreement.
NONE of the religions are wrong, so stop fighting so many wars in my name. Not a fan of war.
If you believe in me, thanks for the likes & subscriptions! If you don’t believe in me, that’s also cool. Just remember to be nice to each other.
I always have a backup ark ready.
Well, that is a wrap from here at Cinema Wellman! Thank you to David for bringing me in to host this one and giving me free reign in Cinema Wellman (although I have free reign everywhere) and thank you to Aria for the suggestion. We won’t hold it against you.
David will be back next week for the Best & Worst of the month of April, and we hope you’re here for that.
Until then, I bless you and take care.
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